I always thought that I can focus on revising for my semester finals after my Malaysian Studies' presentation, and I can relieve my mental burden since asking me to go out presenting in front of the class is a nightmare to me. I gave my best, but the harder I try the worse off I am. Anyway, the presentation is now history and our "group" got 8/10. I don't know if I caused the deduction of 2 marks or not, but that's not my main concern and also not what I am going to talk about in this post.
So reflecting back to the questions at the opening, obviously I'm troubled by my introversion again. It will be a long post, not interested then leave ba.
Today, I felt uneasy since the moment I wake up, predicting something bad would happen to me. And yeah, on my journey to ICSJ, I made a lot of mistakes which could be fatal, but I still reached there safe and sound, but there was no parking near college premise. Eventually, I found one 'nice' spot just around the corner of Starbucks Coffee, so I parked there without hesitation due to my perfunctory observations of other cars parking there without any aftermaths. Paid the parking fees, and off to class.
Right, there were actually no classes and attendance was bad as people tend to stay at house to study for their finals or do what ever they want. Cut the crap short, I spent nearly half day at the library alone until breaks' over and I have to go M'sian Studies class. The same situation: <25% attendance, no class. I still went in anyway because I just know I won't study if I went back home earlier. It was a big mistake.
Some classmates from another section came in after me, they chatted with the lecturer. All of a sudden, they started finding profiles of other students in eCAMPUS and criticizing or talking whatever shit. Not everyone was 'chosen', but to my surprise, I was in the list. Of course, they turned down their voice when they were discussing about me, but no one knows that I'm good in eavesdropping (now I've compromised my specialty).I think they were actually thinking that I'm deaf because I'm an idiot in communicative skills. But they were trying to discuss me when I was in less than 3 metres away from them, besides I'm sensitive to my name. I heard them mention me, so I continue looking my book lo, but paying attention to them. They lmao-ed when they saw my profile (I know, I wasn't prepared when the picture was taken). Then talks started, 'lan si', 'ji bai'(自闭 in Cantonese, a.k.a. autism. And yeah, I'm sensitive) was among the descriptions I can hear.
Most interestingly, they actually discussed which group of person do I talk to. Hell, is it that fucking important? I will only initiate a talk with people who have common interest(s) between us. I was labelled autistic for this. I will clarify this once and for all (who am I clarifying to? None of them has my contact!), introversion is not autism goddamnit. If I were to be an autistic person, none of you will actually know my presence because I will just sit at the most corner of the class instead of at the middle rows(although lonely). You can talk to me and I will reply you if I know how to, but of course not talking to me just to ask things from me every time.
Anyone knows how long was the time for me to have my closest friends currently? It took at least a year for EACH of them, yet still the bond was eroding.
5pm, class ended, went back to my car, and found out that I was summoned by PDRM for improper parking. So many cars around and only me hit the jackpot. So these were the bad things that was going to happen to me eh? Ok, I've hit my toll. I'm physically exhausted from sleep deprivation from the pressure of presentation and these mental blow. I drove very carefully back home to post this meaningless rant.
Why did all these events crush me at the same time? Now, I'm so heavily suppressed in the valley of darkness. Now, I have no more intention to study. Now, I've not only lost my aim to live, but could also lose my will to live anytime.
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